Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
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Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
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God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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