when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Do vagina's smell?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Randomize
