Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
