the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
