I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
