My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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