He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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