Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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