Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
