i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
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Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
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I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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