we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
