Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
