so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I did not marry a roomba.
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