She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
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I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
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My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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