using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
