Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I need to calm my uterus...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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