Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
