True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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