The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
