this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
