I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
