Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Sorry about my life...
Randomize
