When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
