Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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