You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
