that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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