She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
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He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
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Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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