How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
