omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
