did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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