I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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