You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
