And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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