Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
