dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
