Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
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Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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