dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
