Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
