I can't watch pbs sober anymore
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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