Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
