He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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