Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
