Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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