Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
