it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
