the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
