Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
