8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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