4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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