fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
