Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
