I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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