the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
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