Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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