totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
