She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
