He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
