Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
